Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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