If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
