after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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