my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
