Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
