Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
