peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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