Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
