Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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