Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
