i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
