the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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