I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
