eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
