Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
