So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
