My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
