you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
