he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
