Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
