You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
