my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
