I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
