Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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