ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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