He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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