Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
