I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He has the fingertips of a God
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