When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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