why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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