OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
