thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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