I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
