Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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