sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
