dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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