Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
