Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
