It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
