My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Shame - the story of my life.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
