I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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