Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
