i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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