I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
