i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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