i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
