I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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