the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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