I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
