Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
