Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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