My nipple is on Facebook.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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