Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
