You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
