i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
